Drowning in fire
by BalladsOfStrangers
Summary: set right after s8e23. Cas comes home again and Dean finally acknowledges what the fallen angel means to him.


DISCLAIMER: I don't own SPN, but I would love to... I write fanfic instead  
>This is my first fic in years, first SPN fanfic and first one on this site, I'm not a native speaker and this ficlet is unbeta'ed, so the mistakes are entirely mine. I would love to have some feedback, so if you spot a mistake, don't hesitate ;) <p>

So he did it again… Cas "I'm going to fix it" fucked everything up again.  
>Only now it wasn't leviathans but freaking angels walking the earth. Thousands of them. Dean had seen them fall, like a rain of burning meteors they sped through the sky, setting it ablaze. He found the sight of it both beautiful and terrifying. Their burning wings were like the feathers of a phoenix, the ones from the stories he used to see Sam reading, not the real deal… Which had been quite anticlimactic, just like the whole trip to the Wild West.<p>

Once again they were in mortal peril, although Dean couldn't think of a time he and Sam weren't in danger . Sammy lay in the back of the impala, sleeping off the hopefully reversible effects of trying to shut the gates of hell.

Dean was praying – to whom he didn't know nor care – that Cas was one of the angels soaring through the sky, because it would mean that he was still alive.  
>He had said it before, and he would say it a thousand times more if he had to: He'd rather have him, cursed or not. Even when he had fucked up everything. He regretted being so harsh to the angel, regretted not telling the son of a bitch that he loves him.<br>What if he would never see Cas again? Never hear the rustle of wings, never see those piercing blue eyes again? There was so much he should've told him, so much he still wanted to do.  
>Goddamnit ….<p>

Falling in love with Cas was one of the most terrifying experiences of his life. It was right up there with losing Sam, torturing souls in hell… It might sound strange, but that's just the way it was for Dean Winchester.  
>He had been trained to be a soldier, to suck it up, no chick flick moments.<br>No soft caresses, sweet words, no comforting hand when he was scared of the monster inside his closet… only a reprimand and a .45, followed by blood and the smell of gasoline.

All his relationships were like that… Hard and rough, fast and over before you know it. Girls in bars, no feelings, no attachments. He had tried though, with Lisa and Ben, and for a while he had been happy. He had been a little more okay and a little less fucked up.  
>Experience had taught Dean that people like him just didn't get to have nice things.<br>The people you love are dead before you know it. He had lost so many people already.  
>That's why he couldn't allow himself to love the angel. He had lost him several times already, and every time it hurt more, it became harder to keep it all bottled up inside. Sometimes Dean wondered if there would come a day that he would just burst at the seams, fall apart and not get up again.<p>

'Please Cas, don't be dead. I fucking need you.' He whispered. The words hung heavily in the air, pressed down on his shoulders even more now he had spoken them aloud.

When he arrived at the lettermen's lair, he turned off his baby's engine. She was probably the only thing he would always be able to fix.  
>Sam was still sleeping, so Dean called out his name. Of course he didn't budge, he did however snore loudly.<br>'That's the only answer I'm gonna get, right?' said Dean while he picked up his not-so-little brother and carried him inside gingerly, which was more tiring than he had imagined it to be.

After trying to fit the moose-sized man on the bed without limbs sticking out in every direction, and checking in on a sleeping prophet of the lord, he got to his own room and sat on the bed.

The only thing he could do was stare at the opposite wall. He was feeling so empty and tired, just tired of it all. He had been fighting so hard for so long. Every little victory followed by a big failure, the loss of so many good people. He felt as if Cas would be the last straw for him, the last death that would finally render him insane with grief. The love he felt for Cas, was one of constant worry. It reminded him of everyone he had already lost, and everyone he would lose in the future.

'Cas, please… If you hear me. This is me praying to you. Please come back, I'm not mad at you anymore. I just want to know if you're safe.'  
>His heart was like ice, laying cold and heavy in his chest and pressing down on his lungs. He could feel tears burning and tried to will them back, but they fell down his face anyway.<br>'Please Cas, I need you. I… I love you, you son of a bitch.  
>Here, I've said it. I fucking love you and I can't stand the thought of losing you again. Just get your feathery ass over here already.'<br>He tried to even out his breathing and lay down on the bed in the hope that it would help.  
>He wouldn't sleep, because then the nightmares would come. Torturing, hell, purgatory… lined with flashes of losing Sam or Cas. He wasn't ready to have a new vision of Cas's lifeless vessel soaring through the sky, going up in flames.<p>

He was brought back to reality by a knocking sound, someone was at the door.  
>He quickly stood up and ran towards the sound, a little hope burning like a candle in his chest.<br>He opened the door and there stood Cas, in all his trench coat covered glory, but somehow something was different.  
>He looked more tired, whiter than usual. His clothes were stained with dirt and blood, hopefully not his blood. His blue eyes were filled with pain, mourning, shame and even a little fear.<p>

After several seconds of staring at each other Cas said: 'Hello Dean, could I come in perhaps? It's quite cold outside and I have nowhere else to go.'  
>Dean stepped aside quietly, amazed by the sight of his angel. Castiel was alive, walking and talking.<br>A wave of relief washed over him.  
>'I'm so sorry Dean, I failed you. If you wish never to see me again, I understand, although it would hurt me to leave you and I…'<br>Dean heard the low rumble of Castiel's voice, but couldn't make out what he was saying. He could only stare and hope this wasn't a dream.  
>Dean did what any sensible man would do if he were to determine whether this was a dream or not.<br>He wrapped his arms around Castiel's waist and silenced him by placing his lips upon the angel's now closed mouth. At first Cas was as hard and ungiving as stone, but after the initial shock he started kissing Dean back with fervor. He grabbed his jacket and pulled him flush against his body, held on to Dean as if he was drowning. In fact, they both were, they were drowning in each other's scents, touches. They were high on all these new sensations, losing themselves in their hunger.

when they surfaced again, a flush was spread across the angel's face. His pupils were blown and his lips swollen. He was absolutely gorgeous and Dean silently concluded that this might've been one of his best impulsive decisions ever.  
>'Well, aren't you a little angel,' he whispered as he lowered his lips to meet Castiel's again.<br>The man's face clouded and he bowed his head in shame.  
>'That's the thing, Dean. I'm not an angel anymore.' He said, a sharp edge of pain and regret audible in his voice.<br>'What do you mean, Cas?'  
>Cas moved backwards, so Dean had to let go of his waist and the former angel looked him in the eye again.<br>'I mean that you were right. I was stupid enough to believe Metatron, I thought he was going to make it all better. I thought I would finally be able to redeem myself, I've done so many bad things. I try to set them straight again, I really do… But every time it gets worse. I gave Metatron everything he needed in order to make the angels fall. The Nephilim's heart, cupid's bow…'  
>His deep voice, usually imperturbable, was now filled with emotion and during his speech his eyes had shone bright with anger directed towards himself, but now they were dull and empty. He lowered his head again, unable to look Dean in the eye.<p>

'The last thing he needed was my grace. He took my grace and sent me back to earth.'  
>Cas looked utterly lost, which Dean hated. He had seen Cas furious, power mad, defeated, high and indifferent to pretty much anything… nothing compared to this version of Cas. There was no hope left in his eyes, only endless seas of regret and pain. The future Cas had looked at him like that as well, but only once, briefly. Then he was gone again. Dean realized that the kiss had been a kiss goodbye. He was going to lose Cas… whether he would be replaced by the Cas he had seen in the future or a lifeless body, Dean didn't know. And he wasn't willing to find out either.<br>He strode towards him and encased him with his arms.  
>'It doesn't matter, Cas. I was just so worried because you didn't answer my prayers, I thought I'd lost you. I'd rather have you, cursed or not. Remember? I don't care.'<br>Cas put his head to Dean's chest and wrapped his arms around his torso.

'Don't give up, Cas. There was a time that I'd rather die than say this out loud, but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hiding it. I told you when I was praying to you and I'll say it again because it hasn't changed and it'll never do. I love you, Cas. Every time I lost you, I turned into a wreck. So don't dare to leave me again. We'll fix it together. It'll all be alright in the end.'  
>He lifted Cas's face, wiped a tear away with his thumb, kissed him again and hoped it would be enough to convince Cas to stay. He couldn't give much more than his love and a promise to fix it… or to die trying.<br>'Metatron told me to live my life, make babies and then to come tell him my story when I die. I think I like your version better,' Cas whispered against Dean's lips. 'I love you too, Dean.. Always have.'

Dean couldn't help but smile at Metatron's advice. 'You know what Cas, you've never really followed the orders of those stupid dicks with wings, and I don't think you should start doing so. You can tell him your story when we get to him and reverse this.'  
>Cas nodded, his eyes a little brighter. Perhaps even a little spark of hope.<br>'And you know, I can't give you babies… and no apple pie life either, but I can be with you, I can hold you and I'll never let you go again.'  
>A little smile crept onto Castiel's face. 'I would like that. And I don't need any babies…'<br>Dean laughed. 'Well Cas, what I can give you right now, is apple pie, because now you're gonna have to eat. And you know what? Maybe we can have dessert after.'  
>'Isn't apple pie a dessert already?'<br>Dean grinned widely. 'Oh, you'll find out soon enough, baby.'

Dean knew it was going to be alright.  
>They were both broken, but he was sure that they could mend each other. They could make their own little heaven and they wouldn't shine as bright as those meteors, but they could be a beacon of light for each other. A little spark in the darkness, small but beautiful nonetheless.<br>He knew the nightmares would come back and death would separate them eventually, but Dean couldn't bring himself to care for the moment. He held on to his angel, the one who had gripped him tight and raised him from perdition, the one who let him go in purgatory. This time he wouldn't let go, this time Castiel would stay.


End file.
